I'm Always Going To Take Care Of You | {THE AND} Tatiana & Travis
In This Video
Tatiana (she/her) and Travis (he/him) have been a couple for 2 years. They both strive to create a safe space for each other when it comes to communication and expressing their thoughts and feelings. Honesty and dialogue are deeply woven into the foundations of their relationship. They endeavor to be empathetic and to truly listen to each other’s wants and needs. In this conversation, they address the pain of losing a parent to cancer, their approach to dealing with their issues while being considerate and mindful of their differences, the complexities of family dynamics after a loss, Tatiana’s need to prioritize herself in order to care for others, and how depression makes it challenging for Travis to break free from a negative mindset.
As we explore new perspectives we invite you to step into the emotional space of connection and experience the deeper lessons that shared experiences can afford humanity. To everyone who has participated openly and vulnerably in our project - we appreciate what you have shared with us and hope others do as well.
Subscribe to our newsletter and get a digital dose of humanity straight to your inbox: http://www.theskindeep.com/subscribe
Transcript
I was
wearing a mask because
it was around the pandemic,
so you really couldn't see my face
but I was looking at your fit
and I was like, “Oh wow, that's
really edgy.
It looks like
Cyberpunk 2077.
I really love that jacket.
I'm really into J-pop”.
You have like this Japanese jacket.
So I'm going to tell this person
I love their jacket, I love their fit.
I love their jacket, I love their fit.
And I'm
so glad
I got to see who was under the mask
because I loved you.
(Laughs)
Ooh, what's a
memory we share that best
describes our relationship
and why?
And why?
I would say, like,
if we were characters from a TV
show, we'd be Bob and Linda
(Laughs)
because Linda
is such an animated person,
she just wants to help
even though sometimes she messes up on how
she's helping
because she's doing too much.
And I feel like that's kind of me.
As for
you're like Bob.
You're somewhat of a jerk
when it comes to your words
because you're really sarcastic
and I find that kind of refreshing
because I don't really have
the know
how to stand up for myself
in certain ways.
So I love that
you can be that outspoken
voice for me and be like,
“No, we're not doing that”.
But you have like
a really good heart.
What do I do
that makes you feel
I understand you?
Mm...
That's a good one
because you do a lot for me.
But
the most important
thing I would say
is the other day
when I talked to you
about
how I was feeling
with everything
that we've been going through
and the stress that I've been feeling
and kind of
voicing my concern
about self-harm.
And, you know,
you sat with me for a few extra
minutes in the car
talking to me
especially, you know, saying you've,
you've had friends
who've dealt with it and
where they're at.
And, like, you know, I've...
there have been a couple of times
where I've tried
and
I'm glad I didn't succeed
because I
wouldn't be here with you.
You know, this
has been the best couple of years
so far.
We've got
way more to go.
Yeah, it's like I always tell
you, it's more so like
when you brought it up,
I didn't want you to feel like
I was pushing you away.
Because it may come off that way
when someone's worried about you.
Like, “Oh, what?
What's going to happen?
What's going on in their mind?
I'm scared.”
And so, like, I didn't want you to feel
like you weren't in a safe space
to come to me again
with something like that.
Because I always want you to feel like
you can come to me
whenever you're
feeling a certain way,
whether it's happy,
sad, angry, excited.
I want you to be able to
want to choose me
as one of the first or few people
that you want to share that with.
What pain still lingers from our past
and what needs to happen
for it to heal?
Hm...
I think
the conversation
we had about your divorce.
Yeah.
And
I didn't mean to
come off as harsh
when
I said,
you know,
that you weren't making the effort.
I didn't mean to come off
as harsh.
I am just.
I want you to want it.
I don't want you.
You know, I didn't want you
to just feel
that you were doing that
just to jump into something else.
I wanted you to want it for yourself.
Yeah.
But that is not how it came out.
Am...
But since that situation,
we've kind of talked more
and been a little more
I've been a little bit
more understanding of it.
Once I decided,
you know what? I'm going to do this.
I'm going to go ahead
and get a divorce.
It was
kind of really hard.
Yeah?
It was extremely hard
because at the time, you know,
my dad was still sick.
Yeah.
And
having to go through all of that
with my dad
and his cancer and
saving up money
and then we're trying to establish
new things and get our own place.
It was more
so not the mindset
of letting go,
but the aspect of
why am I the only one
that's putting in the effort?
So, as far as trying
to leave this relationship,
What do you think is the one thing
I really want you to understand
about me?
Your intention.
I think a lot
of the time, because of
the way I
was brought up
and also with how
I verbalize things
and how I think with, even with my ADHD,
not giving that a pass,
but it does contribute to
like how I function and how I,
you know, take in certain information.
I think I'm really defensive.
Yeah, I mean, we've had that conversation.
I've... never has
my intention been to
inflict
any emotional reaction,
you know, negative
emotional reaction.
Yeah.
It just
I need to work on the soft
skills of
how do I come to my girlfriend who I know
is very sensitive.
Extremely sensitive,
extremely sensitive.
But it's
it’s still something that I'm learning
how to do.
What do you find
most difficult to talk to me about
and why?
Mm...
Your family.
Yeah.
I— don't get me wrong,
I love your family.
Yeah.
I just think that
because of how much
you've been through,
you have
you know, you've always
put them first
because of what you've been through.
You always want them there.
But you still need
to set boundaries with your family
because they can't always be
there.
You know, like,
this is our relationship.
They're not in our relationship.
And I want you
to be able
to set that boundary with your family.
Sometimes
it might be hard, but
no, I'm not going to this.
No, I'm not doing that.
No, I'm not picking her up.
You know? But
but I don't want to come across as like,
“Oh, I want to keep you from your family”,
because I would never want to do that.
No, I get what
you’re saying, is more of like,
like...
My dad passed
last year.
It was a lot
on all of us.
Yeah.
And not to say that
it's a bad thing, you know? That's
something that happens to everyone,
your parents pass.
It's not a conversation
everyone has.
But my dad was an advocate for cancer,
so he
dressed up in these costumes
while he was getting his medication
and cheering other people.
Yeah.
And he would have his YouTube
channel, and would always remind me,
you know, this is all other people have
when they're sick like this,
when they're in a bed
fighting this disease.
I loved your dad.
Your dad was great.
He's a character.
So
when we lost
the only patriarch of our family,
it took a lot on all of us.
And being the oldest daughter
and then having my brother
be the oldest child,
we both kind of took
on the responsibility of
wanting to
not really replace my dad,
but any type of responsibilities
he had, try to take them on
so that there wasn't so much of a gap
between our
elderly because
all of our aunts are great aunts,
not just our aunts.
And because they're older,
we have to take care of them.
And I think it's more
so like, I want to be that.
Just like how
my dad was that way for people.
I want to be
that same type of person.
But I need to
kind of take care of myself, too.
Yeah.
Because if you don't
take care of yourself,
you can't take care of other people.
And I say that all the time.
Yeah.
That's very important,
to be able to take care of yourself.
I mean, you have me.
I'm always going to take care of you.
But,
you also have to prioritize
yourself.
You know?
Yeah.
Uh.
Ooh!
What do you think
I need
I need from you
and are you providing it?
I would say optimism.
Yeah. I think that a lot of times
you focus on the negative
and like,
I'm always like, “Oh,
no, I don't want to
focus on the negative,
because then I'm
just going to go into this, like
deep dark hole.
No, let's focus on the positive.”
And because we're so opposite
in our personalities
and how we think about certain things,
I'm always trying to bring you
the positive as to where
sometimes you bring the negative.
And I'll, like,
No, let's turn that around,
let's turn around.
Let's try to think about it this way,
because we have this, this
and this going on.
Let's not focus on what we don't have.
Yeah.
Yeah...
I think— - I don’t always bring it, though.
But I try.
(Both laugh)
No, I... when you're
going through a negative
spiral, I do try to bring the positive.
Yeah, always.
Yeah, always.
Always. - But I
sometimes I feel like it's hard for you
to draw the positive out of me
when I'm in a negative headspace.
Because it's,
you know, I have depression,
so it's really hard
to get me out of that.
Am...
But I appreciate you for
constantly doing it.
Oh, I'm persistent.
I'm not going to let you go down there.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, it’s my turn?
Yeah.
Yeah. - Okay.
What do I need
to hear from you?
Mm...
That I appreciate
everything that you're doing.
I see everything that you're doing.
You're...
for the last year, you pretty much
been the only one
holding that keeping us afloat.
You know? No matter how
many jobs I've applied to
and how many false leads I've gotten,
Um...
You've been
with everything
that you're dealing with.
You've been able to keep us afloat.
And I don't tell you
as often
how much I appreciate you for it.
And I know
the one thing that you want
is your dad to be here.
You know?
Yeah.
But
he's definitely told you
that he's proud of you and everything
that you're here doing.
Yeah, I take him with me
every day.
Yeah.
He was there when I got the first
big job,
and I wish that
my dad was alive
to see that
I finally,
even without college,
made it into an office job
and I'm not just like a barista.
Not to say that being a service
worker isn't the best job.
It’s hard. - It can't always pay your bills.
Yeah.
Not with the way our
rent is looking.
And
you know? For him
to see that I'm helping people
the same way
he was helping people,
and that I'm able to provide for myself
and take care of everything.
I just wish he was here to see it
while it's happening.
But to know
that I carry his message
with me every day, I carry him with me
every day
it’s enough.
Yeah.
But you know he is proud of you
because he said it.
Yeah.
He’s actually told you, so
Yeah.
that's one thing you never have to
live without.
He's proud of you.
Yeah.
Hey there.
Thanks so much for watching.
If you enjoy the conversation
and want to ask these questions
to your own partner,
check out {The And} Couples
Edition Card Game at
theskindeep.com/shop